第一则 ：没事偷着乐 职业赌徒 During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks.

The bartender said, That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first.

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. Where did you get all that money? asked the bartender.

I'm a professional gambler, replied the man.

The bartender said, There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?

Well, I only bet on sure things, said the guy.

Like what? asked the bartender.

Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye, he said.

The bartender thought about it. Okay, he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. Aw, you screwed me, said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye, said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet. So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

Aw, you screwed me again! protested the bartender.

That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best sch in lieu of the fifty dollars, said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals.

After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. Okay, you're on, he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!

经济大萧条时期。有一天,有个男人走进一家酒吧,对调酒师说:“调酒师,我想为在座的所有客人每人买一杯酒。”

调酒师说:“当然可以,不过现在正处于经济萧条时期,我需要先看到你带有足够的现金才行。”

那人从口袋里掏出一大迭钞票放到吧台上。调酒师简直不敢相信自己的眼睛,就问:“你这些钱都是从哪儿弄来的?”

“我是一个职业赌徒。”男士回答。

“这不可能。我的意思是,在赌场你赢的机会最多也就五五开,不是吗?” 调酒师说。

“那当然,不过我只打我必赢的赌。”男士说。

“比如呢?”调酒师问道。

“唔,例如,我可以和你赌50美元:我能够用自己的牙咬到自己的右眼睛。”他说。

调酒师想了一下,就说:“那就来吧!”

于是,那个人将他右边的假眼抠了出来,用嘴咬了一下。

调酒师说声“靠!我上当了!” ,就给了他50美元。

那陌生人又说道:“我会再给你一次机会的。我再和你赌50美元:我可以用我的牙咬到我的左眼。”

调酒师想了想说道:“哼!你又不是盲人,我的意思是说,我可是看着你走进这个酒吧的。这一把我和你赌定了!”

话刚出口,那家伙就从嘴里一把将假牙掰了下来,咬了左眼睛一下。

“靠!我又上当了!”调酒师几乎是抗议地叫出声来。

“这就是我赢了这么多钱的办法,小伙子!不过这次你也不用给我50元了,我只拿走一瓶威士忌就算了!”那人说道。

那个人拿了酒,就来到酒吧的后房,整个晚上的大部分时间都在和当地人打牌。

边喝边玩好几个小时之后,那个人又摇摇晃晃地来到吧台前,醉醺醺的样子,都快站不住了,他对调酒师说:“小伙子,我再给你最后一个机会。我和你赌500美元:我可以用一只脚站在这张吧台上撒尿,我能够把尿射到你身后酒架上的那个空瓶子里,而且保证不洒一滴到瓶子外边。”

调酒师再一次认真想了想:这家伙现在就是用两只脚都站不直,更别说用一条腿了……于是说:“好!那你就开始吧。”

只见那人爬到吧台上,来个金鸡独立,就开始撒尿。尿撒得到处都是:吧台上、调酒师身上和他自己身上,就是没有一滴尿到酒瓶里去。

小伙子简直开心死了,大笑着说:“老兄,这次你可欠我500块钱了。”

那家伙从吧台上爬了下来,说:“没问题。我刚和棋牌室里的每个人都赌了一千块钱,说我敢往你身上和吧台上撒尿,并且还能让你大笑!”

-第二则：The father never let children maomao during dinner always talk. Once when having a meal, father saw maomao wanted to speak, then say to him: kid, what you want to say?Dad, flies delicious? Maomao, ask.No! Father said, why do you ask such a thing?You just have a dish, you to swallow it down.毛毛的父亲从不让孩子在吃饭时时说话。一次吃饭时，父亲见到毛毛很想说话的样子，便对他说：“孩子，你想说什么？”“爸爸，苍蝇好吃吗？”毛毛问。“不！”父亲说，“你干嘛问这个？”“刚才您碟子里有一只，您把它咽下去了。” 第三则：英语笑话（三）

Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering. Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America.

它们是从美国直接带来的

一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。

这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”

lifetime warranty

After burying his mother nine months earlier, a client of the local mortuary finally had enough money to purchase the expensive coffin he'd originally wanted. So we exhumed the body and transferred his deceased mother into the new steel casket. What's so special about this coffin? I asked the funeral director. He replied, It has a lifetime warranty. 终身保修

在将母亲下葬9个月后，当地殡仪馆的一个客户终于攒够了钱去买那副他早就相中的价值不菲的棺材了。他把母亲的棺材挖了出来，将尸体转移到了那副新的钢制棺材中。“这副棺材有什么特别？”，我问葬礼的承办人。他回答说，“这种棺材终生保修。

Good Points and Bad Points

This house, said the real-estate salesman, has both its good points and bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm goint to tell you about the disadvantage - there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse one block north.

What are the advantages? inquired the prospective buyer.

The good thing about it, said the agent, is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing. 优缺点

“这幢房子，”房地产推销商说，“既有优点也有缺点。为了说明我是诚实的，我将告诉你们它的缺点：往南面一个街区是一家化工厂，往北面一个街区是一家屠宰场。”

“那么它的长处呢？”预备购买房子的人问道。

“它的好处，”代理商说道，“就是，你总能分清风是从哪边吹过来的。” Six or Twelve?

A blonde went into a pizza parlor. When she said that she‘d like a medium pizza, the clerk asked her how many pieces she‘d like to have it cut into: six or twelve. “Oh, goodness, six please,” said the blonde. “I don‘t think I could ever eat twelve.” 六还是十二？

一位金发女郎走进一家比萨店，她说想要一个中比萨，店员问她希望把比萨切成六块还是十二块。“噢，天啊，请帮我切成六块。”女郎说，“我可不认为我能吃得下十二块比萨。” How Did You Ever Get Here?

One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two.

The boss eyed him suspiciously. Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?

I finally gave up, he said, and started for home. 你是怎样来的？

一个冬天的早晨，一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起来上班。“外面太滑了，我每向前迈一步，就要向后退两步。”

老板狐疑地看着他。“噢，是吗？那你是怎样到这里来的？”

“后来我决定放弃，”他说，“然后我就往家里走。”I didn't see you

A car rushed through the red light.

Police: Didn't you see the red light?

Driver: I did, but I didn't see you. 我没有看到你

一辆轿车闯了红灯。

交警：你没有看到红灯吗？

司机：看到了，但我没有看到你。

Once upon a time ,a stupid guy went to the doctor's.

What's the matter with you,asked the doctor.

I have been broken all!,said the fool .

Broken all,what's it mean?,the doctor was surprised.

Then,the fool pointed to his head and said:Ouch!There is something wrong with my head.after that,he pointed to his back and said :ouch,my back hurt.then,he touch his nose and said:ouch,my nose hurt……

The doctor thought a while and said :you have a bad finger

从前，有个傻瓜去看医生。那医生问他有什么病。那傻瓜说他全身伤了。那医生很疑惑。接着，那傻瓜用手指着头说：“很痛，我的头伤了。”接着，有指着背，鼻子，说它们都伤了。

那医生想了一会儿，说：“你的手指伤了。”

I 服了 You!